Day 14 Future goals - 30 day blog blog challenge

Day 14 is all about future goals and at the moment I am in the process of making a change to mine. I will let you know more about that now.

As you probably know I left University in December after a couple of months because I was unable to cope living away from home and with the amount of work the course entailed. I was planning on doing something art related in my future. I didn't want to be a teacher but I was thinking about working in a museum or even being self employed.
I recently applied for an Open degree with the Open University. This means I can choose what modules I want to complete from everything they offer. I am going down the route of art history and also europe's history around the time of the world wars. I chose this because what the course entails means it will be a lot of reading and writing and I also love studying history and I regret not doing it for A Level.
I have no idea what my future holds after university. Hopefully getting some use back in my left arm and moving out of my parent home (at some point, why would anyone leave a place they live rent free! haha) I know I want to travel to America and also to Paris but I'm not sure what else. I'll just focus on the present and hopefully things wont go too badly.

Thanks for reading,
Charlie x

Fighting the hidden cause.

Since I started to become depressed I have lost all motivation to start drawing and making art again. It is seriously like fighting against something that you can't see, and that makes it ten times harder then fighting against something visible, like a broken arm for example. People who know me will notice how the depression has effected me. I spent four years studying art as a GCSE and A Level and not once did I loose my motivation or not have the urge to draw and create art. For the people I had just met at university I think they thought I was just lazy and couldn't be bothered. This defiantly was not what happened. At first I had no idea why I preferred to stay in bed and watch crap t.v than be at my desk and immerse myself into a sketch or painting. When I started to notice things had changed I simply googled everything that was wrong and nearly every result mentioned depression. 
I still trundled along for another three weeks before I did anything about it. When I went to the doctors to ask about some stomach pain I had been having, it all came flooding out. He told me straight away he thought I was depressed and then I knew I couldn't carry on the way I was. Art was not the cause of my depression, that was my disabilities fault, but art has defiantly taken the most of the damage. 

To be or not to be.

So despite wanting to be more motivated I haven’t actually written in a long time. I think the first few posts are always the hardest. When I tried to start a blog before I managed about three posts before I had no idea what to write about.

Today's post is going to be about making choices.  In the past few months I have had a lot of choices to make, whether big or small. Despite this I am actually not very good at making decisions, I don’t think most people are. They like advice from other people and then (if your like me) won’t actually take it.

An introduction to me.

Hi, I have been wanting to start a blog for a long time, several years in fact. There has never really been a good time to start and I've always been too busy but I now find myself with plenty of time on my hands and the urge to write about my life and maybe give advice to people who are or have been experiencing some things I am going through.

This is me, I am 18 years old and live at home with my family in a small town in Worcestershire, England. I am a creative person and love to be hands on, this is why I was always good at art based subjects at school and sixth form. In September 2015 I started studying Fine Art at university but had to drop out because I couldn't cope living away from home and managing all the work with my disabilities. I have functional Neurological Disorder (FND) and fibromyalgia. I currently don't have the use of my left arm and also have no sensation in it either. This is the result of a fall four years ago, FND means that my brain is telling my arm that its damaged (even though its not anymore) and not sending the signals to my nerves  to tell my arm to move. This gives me constant pain in my shoulder, neck and back and also headaches that can leave me bed ridden for days. This is one of the reasons I dropped out of university. I get a lot of help from my parents at home and I had no help from anyone while living in halls and no one really understood how the FND affected me. The fibromyalgia causes pain in my muscles, especially around my knees and ankles. This also causes extreme tiredness. This being the second reason university wasn't for me.
Because I was suffering at university and had no one to talk to I started to become depressed and anxious. I didn't leave my room in the university halls and stopped eating properly because my anxiety rocketed at the thought of struggling to cook meals in the presence of people I was not yet familiar with. When I went home for the weekends I was angry with my family because they couldn't see how unhappy I was being at university. In early December, after a weeks break from university I broke down in tears and told my mom that I didn't want to go back to university and after that I didn't return. 

This blog is not only a release for me but I hope that by discussing different aspects of my life, like living with a disability, deciding on my future, coping with depression and also some other posts about positive things that happen in my life (just to cheer things up!) I will be able to help other people to feel more positive and to start loving yourself and the life you lead.

If you think someone you know could benefit from my future posts then please share my blog with them. There will be another post very soon, I'm looking forward to hearing what you think. 
Thanks, Charlie x