Since I started to become depressed I have lost all motivation to start drawing and making art again. It is seriously like fighting against something that you can't see, and that makes it ten times harder then fighting against something visible, like a broken arm for example. People who know me will notice how the depression has effected me. I spent four years studying art as a GCSE and A Level and not once did I loose my motivation or not have the urge to draw and create art. For the people I had just met at university I think they thought I was just lazy and couldn't be bothered. This defiantly was not what happened. At first I had no idea why I preferred to stay in bed and watch crap t.v than be at my desk and immerse myself into a sketch or painting. When I started to notice things had changed I simply googled everything that was wrong and nearly every result mentioned depression.
I still trundled along for another three weeks before I did anything about it. When I went to the doctors to ask about some stomach pain I had been having, it all came flooding out. He told me straight away he thought I was depressed and then I knew I couldn't carry on the way I was. Art was not the cause of my depression, that was my disabilities fault, but art has defiantly taken the most of the damage.
Since November I have drawn two pictures for a friends tattoo's (and I think the motivation for that was getting paid in chocolate) and I've spend a lot of money on new art supplies but then I can't find the willingness to use them.
I actually find this whole situation stressful and it makes my anxiety soar off the scale. I have my family nagging me to decide what I want to do now I've left university but I don't think they understand that I'm not ready. I've only been on antidepressants for 6 weeks and it can take six months for then to be fully effective and I think they assume I'm back to normal but I'm not. I know they mean well and I don't tell them that their input is making me feel worse but they truly don't understand what's going on inside me. It's like fighting a demon that wants to ruin my life.
Despite how the depression is effecting my art it still effects other aspects of my life also.
I still don't leave the house for social events, I only feel able to socialise with someone if they come to my home, when I do go out shopping or to the doctors I get so anxious that it's another battle to hide what I'm trying to overcome.
It's even gone to the point where I can't listen to certain songs that I heard while I was at university when the depression started; I've had to change my deodorant because the smell made me so anxious and I feel physically sick when I used it. I won't go back to Worcester, I even get nervous driving past the route we used to take when I go to the hospital.
I don't want to bore you with anything else but the message is that you're not alone, many people experience depression some point in their life and it may affect them in different ways but there are people out there that know how you feel, you just have to look for them.
Around 20% of teenagers suffer from depression before they reach adulthood and suicide is the third leading cause of death for 15-24 year olds. Please, if you feel you may be depressed or have thoughts about suicide go and talk to your GP. If you don't want anyone to find out, remember anything you tell them is confidential; it's just between you and them. There are also depression self help groups all around the UK, just google NHS Depression and on the page you will find a search bar to seek out self help groups in your area.
Just remember, you're not alone.
Charlie x
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