To be or not to be.

So despite wanting to be more motivated I haven’t actually written in a long time. I think the first few posts are always the hardest. When I tried to start a blog before I managed about three posts before I had no idea what to write about.

Today's post is going to be about making choices.  In the past few months I have had a lot of choices to make, whether big or small. Despite this I am actually not very good at making decisions, I don’t think most people are. They like advice from other people and then (if your like me) won’t actually take it.

 My first big decision was choosing to leave university after only a month. It wasn’t that I hated it because I didn’t, it was hard but I loved it. It was because I couldn’t cope living in halls and the amount of work with my disabilities. My doctor had doubts about how moving away from home and taking on a massive workload would affect me, but I was determined to go to university and have the experience that everyone else has. My Neurological Functional Disorder, as I said before makes me have headaches, back pain, neck pain and loss of sensation. I also have very limited movement in my left arm which means I find simple everyday tasks, harder then a lot of other people. Some of the things I find hard vary, from dressing and taking medication to cooking and washing. While in halls at university I struggled with cooking which meant some days I wouldn’t eat because no one was around to help. I actually looked forward to going home for the weekend when I would have someone cook for me and actually eat three meals a day.

I also have fibromyalgia, which causes fatigue, memory loss and periods of pain that are called flare ups. This meant one week I couldn’t leave my university room and spent a lot of time in bed. For both of these disabilities I take a lot of medication. The causes me to become very tired and if I was having a bad day with terrible pain I may have been able to control the pain but be too tired to work effectively. All of this combined and not being able to cope with the amount of work or looking after myself, I was diagnosed with depression. After this diagnosis I decided it was best to leave university. I had help with decision from my family, a councilor and the university. Since then I have never regretted leaving university. I feel a lot better in myself and I finally think I am ready to decide what I want to do with my life in regards to my education.
I haven’t made the final leap yet, fully withdrawing from my course; but I know that’s what I want to do.

I will be writing more about my decision in the near future and talking more about how my disability affects me and how I deal and cope with it.

Charlie x