Todays post (which is technically yesterdays but I fell asleep early before I had a chance to post) is all about the worst memories of my life. I think I will keep it short as it's probably going to be quite a personal and negative post and I don't want to bore you with the details. I will start with the earliest bad memories I can think of and work up to the present day.
The first worst memory I can remember is loosing my uncle and grandad in 2007. They died within six months of each other and that was such a hard time. This is when I had help from the charity Noah's Ark which I mentioned in my previous post.
I think next has to be having my appendix removed. The pain started in the middle of the night and I had never felt anything like it, the only way to explain it is that it was like I was being sat on and then in the morning the excruciating pain started and the being sick. I seriously think that is the worst I have felt in my whole life. I spent a day back and forth to the doctors and then I had to go to hospital but I was kept in for a few days before they could operate because I have a problem in my heart where one of the valves didn't close when I was 6 weeks old and they didn't want to operate until they had spoke to someone at Birmingham Children's Hospital to see if it was ok to go ahead. I was lay in that hospital bed for nearly a week in pain and not being able to eat as they didn't know when I would be having the surgery. And to top it off, I had a problem with the gas they use in the surgery and it remained in my body for ages so my recovery took a lot longer than it should have. I did have a long time off school though so that was a positive!
Next defiantly has to be when I injured my left arm with lead to me being diagnosed with FND. I was pulled over by my dog, Oscar. He is a Lurcher so is very strong and runs VERY fast. It all happened so quickly I didn't get chance to let go of the lead so was pulled across the floor and then he flipped me over and I was dragged backwards. Straight after it happened my arm when really heavy and felt like it was a dead weight. I wasn't in pain then and I had full movement of it. Over the next few days it slowly began to get painful and I was unable to move it which lead to my hand swelling. It took two years to get a proper diagnosis. They though I had dislocated my shoulder at first which lead to shit loads of x rays and then I went to a specialist who diagnose me with a brachial plexus injury but about a year later I saw a specialist physiotherapist and consultant and they made the final diagnosis of Function Neurological Disorder. This was a relief to get a proper diagnosis so I knew what could happen in the future, even though the news wasn't exactly positive. To be honest they don't really know what will happen but I might never regain full use of my left arm. That was scary to here. I mean, its not like it the end of my life, I'm still alive and have a good future a head of me but its just nor going to be as easy as it would of been if I hadn't have had that accident. It really hit be about 2 months ago, despite all the crap that happened with university I could cope with that but when I though I might loose the use of my other arm, It really made me realise that I'm lucky just the way I am. It happened one night when my brothers dog got too excited and nipped me on the right shoulder. Straight away it began to feel different, just like the day I hurt my left arm, and when I lost the feeling in my little finger and the one next to it on my right had I was just like 'crap'. The doctors have always said I need to be careful because FND effects the brain, when I have another injury it might tell that limb thats its too hurt to ever move again. I did loose bit of movement in my right arm for about a week but it slowly came back because I worked it really hard and didn't give up. I still can feel two of my fingers on my left hand, which sucks, I'm just left with three that I have any sensation in but at least I one had that functions properly!!!
Last year, I unfortunately lost my nan to cancer on my birthday. It was a hard battle for her, after having two strokes as well and I hurt so bad but inside I knew it was better for her to be gone. She hated relying on others as she was an independent woman and thats how I will always remember her. It was extra difficult also because we had became distant and that made it difficult especially at the funeral, which was on my sisters birthday 7 days later. I felt strange sat at the back when I really wanted to be close to her but I knew that wasn't possible. I'm just thankful I had such a close relationship with her when I was young and I have plenty of memories to reminisce about.
At the start of this year I was diagnosed with Depression and also Fibromyalgia. The depression diagnosis was not a shock because I knew i was depressed for several months but I only just felt able to get any help. The Fibromyalgia diagnosis was not a shock either, I knew that what I had as all the females in my family have it. I think it was actually a relief to get a diagnoses and know that all the shitty pain I was experiencing has a name.
The most recent bad memory I have is when my grandad past away suddenly in May. It was such a shock and so not expected. I think I was able to cope with it quite well because of the help I had received from the Noah's Ark trust when I was younger and I thank them for teaching me how to process grief even 8 years later.
So that is all the bed memories I can think of, I feel thats quite a lot for only 18 years but we are only given what we can deal with. It definitely turned out to be a much longer post than I thought it would but I hope you enjoyed finding out a little bit more about me.
Thans for reading,
Charlie x
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